I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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