Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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