i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
