On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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