The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
