My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
