Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
