Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
