My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
