We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
