No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
