He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
