you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
