I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
she pinky promised me she was 18
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
