Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
