I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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