"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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