My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Can I color on your dick again?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
