We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
