I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Buhtt sex?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
