I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
