So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
