I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
