Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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