Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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