Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
