This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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