I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
