Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
