she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Mom said you looked used
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
