I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
