I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
