I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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