Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
