If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
