I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I believe in your delicious
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
