i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
