My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
