porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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