mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
