dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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