can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
