it's not cheating when I paid for it
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
