Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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