i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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