I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
