What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
