listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
