you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
