Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
