I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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